


I Carry You in My Hearts

by blueboxesandtrafficcones



Series: 31 Days of Ficmas 2017 [25]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Last Kiss, Pete's World, Spoilers for Episode: 2017 Xmas Twice Upon a Time, Unexpected Visitors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-25 20:16:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13220409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueboxesandtrafficcones/pseuds/blueboxesandtrafficcones
Summary: After the events of the Christmas episode, the new Doctor needs to visit Rose in Pete's World.Fuller summary inside for spoilers.





	I Carry You in My Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS for Twice Upon a Christmas. 
> 
> YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
> 
> After regenerating and his conversation with Bill, the Doctor worries - what makes you, you? Are full copies of your memories enough? He had assumed so, centuries before when leaving Rose with the Metacrisis.
> 
> He needs to see for himself.

“Sarah!” Rose called desperately, dashing around the playground.  Two seconds she’d taken her eyes off her daughter to answer her mother’s text, and the little girl had gone and disappeared.

“Sarah!”  She spun desperately, panic clawing in her throat as she searched.

“Mummy!”  She heard her daughter exclaim happily, and she turned to see her walking towards her, eating chips and holding a woman’s hand.

“Sarah!”  Rose almost collapsed in relief, scooping up her daughter and clutching her tight.  “Don’t you know rule number one?”

The little girl merely shrugged in her arms, and Rose could already hear the Doctor complaining about them being two peas in a wandering-off pod.

“She’s alright, hadn’t gotten far,” the woman who’d found her spoke up, and Rose got her first proper look at her.

She startled slightly, surprised at how much the woman looked like, well, her.  Average height and lean but not a stick, with peroxide blonde hair and kind hazel eyes.  Rose could certainly understand if Sarah had confused the two – except for the woman’s outfit.

“Thank you,” Rose said gratefully, tearing her eyes away from the… _unique_ combination to look her in the eyes.

“Of course,” she said reassuringly, and there was something about her that tickled Rose’s instincts.

“Hang on!” Rose blurted, looking down at her daughter who was happily munching the last of her chips.  “Where’d the chips come from?”

“Ah, that was me.  I had already purchased them, but she gave me the look, you know?”  The woman said sheepishly as she grimaced slightly.

“Well, thank you,” Rose settled for, resolved to remind her daughter again about not accepting things from strangers.

“You’re welcome.”

The woman’s stare should have unnerved her, but there was something about her that Rose couldn’t quite put her finger on.

“Thank you!” Sarah chirped, licking the last of the vinegar from her fingers.

“You’re very welcome, Miss Tyler,” she stooped to be at eye level with the little girl.  “Now, hasn’t Daddy told you a thousand times ‘don’t wander off’?”

The combination of the words and that northern accent sent a spark zipping through Rose’s blood as she suddenly understood.

Her gasp must have clued in the woman, who straightened up to smile at Rose.

“Rose Tyler,” they said, and Rose’s breath hitched.

“Doctor,” she whispered in reply, and the Time Lord in front of her smiled wider.

“Not gonna make me prove it?”

Rose slowly shook her head, trying to take it in.  “What…”

“Mummy, Tony and Nana are here, can I go play?”  Sarah interrupted, and Rose set the girl on the ground without looking away from the Doctor.

Once they were alone, Rose gave a disbelieving laugh.  “I thought the walls were closed.”

“They are,” the Doctor shrugged.  “Except they’re not.  It’s complicated.  A lot’s happened.”

“How long-”

“Fifteen hundred years.  Give or take.  I honestly don’t know anymore,” they shrugged again, stuffing their hands in their pockets.

“Right.”

“Wait, how’d you know it was me?”  The Doctor asked, blinking when Rose laughed.

“Well, the outfit, and ‘don’t wander off’, and the way you said my name, and… it’s you and me.  How could I not?”

“Are you happy?”  They asked abruptly.

“Course.  I’ve got you,” Rose replied simply.

“I mean in general,” the Doctor rolled their eyes at her.

“Yeah.  I’ve got you,” she repeated.  “Are you?”

Their lips twisted into a bitter smile.  “I haven’t got you.  Or anyone, really.”

“You’re on your own?”  Rose’s disappointment cut through them like a hot knife.

“Yeah.  I was settled, if you can believe it, though restless.  Obviously.  I had a friend travelling with me – Bill.  But she’s… gone.  Everyone’s gone.  Again.”

“Oh, Doctor,” Rose sighed, stepping forward to wrap her arms around them.  The Doctor clung to her, desperately fighting the urge to take her hand and run back to the TARDIS and take her away again.

“I’m so tired,” they whispered, burying their face in her shoulder; it was the first time they were at the right height standing up to do so.

“Can you stay?”  Rose asked, and they tensed.  “Never mind, forget I asked.  Though you can, if you like.”

Rose merely held them tight, rubbing soothing circles into their back.  Finally she asked, “How many?”

“Companions or regenerations?”

“Both,” she shrugged.  “Either.”

“This is the, uh, third body I think.  Brand new.  As for companions – a couple.  No one full-time, though.  Not really.”

Rose nodded, before what she’d said earlier sank in.  “Did you say Bill?”

The Doctor blinked at her.  “Yeah?”

“Like from that time I met the you with the impressive eyebrows in that bar in Bristol?”

The Time Lords eyes lit up, and a slow smile grew on their face.  “You remember that?”

“Mmhmm,” she batted her eyelashes.  “Pretty fit, that body was.”

The Doctor laughed.  “Glad you thought so.  That was the previous me.  There was a fellow between – very young, not that different from sandshoes.  Floppy brown hair, awful fashion sense.”

“Which doesn’t apply to this you,” Rose said seriously, and they frowned.

“This is a spectacular outfit!”

“Course it is, the suspenders really make it, love,” Rose soothed, and they both paused at the endearment.

“Doctor?”

“Mhmm?”

“Why are you here?”

The Doctor sighed heavily, finally pulling back from their hug.  “Can we sit?”  Once settled, they sighed again, taking Rose’s hand.  “I struggled with this regeneration,” they shared hesitantly.  “It took meeting myself – my original self – to get me sorted.  That was a bit of a thing – but something that came up was the question of what makes one, them?  Is it memories?  If, say, some artificial being has all your memories – are they you?  Or are they just something with your memories?  And that made me think of the metacrisis, and you, and I just… I needed to know you were happy.”

“I am,” Rose promised softly.  “So happy.  Even when the toaster settings change the telly station and the light switch starts the kettle and kicking the front door turns the oven on.”

“That coral I gave you…”

“Took a couple years,” Rose confirmed.  “But Donna’s advice was solid, and she’s been up and running for about three years now.”

“Good,” they relaxed marginally.  “I want you to be happy.”

“What about you?”  Rose challenged.  “You don’t sound happy.”

“I’m so tired of losing,” they confessed on a whisper.  “Every time, I promise myself I won’t let them down, but ultimately I do.  Then I promise not to let anyone that close again, and I always do.  You’d think I’d learn.”

She hummed in sympathy.  “I’m not gonna give you any awful platitudes, or try to spin that.  It sucks.  But you’re strong, and I can guarantee that most if not all of your companions would, given the choice, pick you over the safe life any day.”

“Really?”  The Doctor asked skeptically.

Rose shrugged.  “I would.  Mickey would’ve.  Sarah Jane, I think.  Jack.”

“Yeah, but none of you died,” they said bitterly.  “Bill, she got converted to a cyberman by the Master.  And Clara, she became too much like me, and died for it as well.  The Ponds, well, let’s not go there.  You think any of them would say that?”

“Maybe,” Rose dismissed, “maybe not.  No way to know.  But they all – _we_ all – chose to travel with you.  We all accepted this life.  Especially if they weren’t full time.  Could say no at any point.”

The Doctor nodded slowly.  “I suppose.”

“How long are you here for?”  Rose asked abruptly.

“Twelve hours before I have to go back.  Why?”

“Come on,” she stood, extending her hand.  “Care to explore with me?”

“Rose…” they hedged, even as Kazran’s words echoed faintly in the back of their mind.  “All right.”

She beamed back, that wide, tongue-touched grin that set their hearts pounding like always.  “Allons-y!”

They got about five steps towards the park exit before Rose stopped in her tracks.  “Wait!”  She spun, seeking Jackie only to find her mum already staring at her with a perplexed look on her face.  “I’ll be right back.”

Before the Doctor could respond, Rose dropped their hand and jogged over Jackie, talking quickly before calling a goodbye to her daughter and coming back to them.

“All good,” she said cheerfully as she pulled them out of the park and into the city.  “Where do you want to start?”

-

“-and I said, ‘I am younger!’” the Doctor shared, smiling as Rose almost fell over in laughter.  They were cuddled together on the Eye, ignoring the view of London in favor of each other.  They’d made an effort to keep it lighthearted, and spent their hours together telling stories; Rose had been able to greatly appreciate the Ponds’ suffering during the year of the Cubes, and had not provided the sympathy the Doctor’s obviously been hoping for in relating the tale.

“And what did you, the first you, say?”

“Nothing, we got distracted – shocker, I know.  But still!”

Rose just giggled, smiling fondly at them.  It had been as though no time had passed for either of them, though the Doctor did have to keep reminding themself that Rose was living with that them day in and day out.

“You know I’ve come to love my life, our life, but there are days when I miss that,” she murmured.  “Being able to take off, no responsibilities or obligations.  I wouldn’t trade my kids, but to be able to throw myself headlong into the fun without worrying about coming home to them?  Those days were pretty great.”

“But you travel, you said,” the Doctor pointed out.

“Well, yeah, and we still go off and save planets and lead rebellions and do all the usual things, but those are carefully scheduled around meetings and conferences and Sarah’s bedtime and dance classes.  We’ve got roots.  And sometimes they’re wonderful things keeping us grounded, and other times, well, we haven’t changed that much.”

The Doctor sighed.  “I always knew there’d come a time when you’d rather settle down, lead a normal life.  Everyone does.”

Rose shook her head.  “No.  Not like that, at least.  I still love the travelling, I’d do it more if we could.  But I like our life, and the roots.  Usually.  But a trip is as likely to be going to take Sarah for a history lesson as it is to find trouble.  It’s not the mortgage and carpets and doors that terrified you on Krop Tor, but it’s not spending all our time on the TARDIS in the vortex either.  It’s a balance.”

They nodded, just pulling her tighter to them.  “Still miss you.”

“Me too,” Rose promised, before jerking up.  “Hang on, how long ago was that for you?”

The Doctor made a face, encouraging Rose’s head back to their shoulder.  “Six months?”

“Blimey,” she breathed.  “That was almost a decade ago.”

They shrugged.  “Time machine.  In the, what, ten seconds between when you said no and I came back it was about, oh, three months or so for me?”

“Really?”

“Mmhmm.  Couldn’t stop thinking about you, though.”

“Didn’t know that,” Rose murmured.

The Doctor let that pass, just enjoying the long-forgotten feel of Rose pressed against them.

“So, did you say something earlier about making friends with a Dalek?”

The Doctor couldn’t help it; they burst into laughter.

“Right, so, Clara was travelling with me at the time…”

-

“Thank you,” the Doctor said abruptly as they neared the TARDIS.

“For what?”

“Spending today with me.  Being you.”  They shrugged, making Rose smile.

“I always like spending the day with you – any you.”  She bit her lip, glancing around before whispering, “Shame we couldn’t spend the night.”

The Doctor laughed, loudly, pulling her close.  “Probably not a good idea.”

“Cause we’re both known for doing the smart thing,” she scoffed, letting her arms wrap around their neck as theirs came around her waist.

“Rose Tyler,” they said fondly, and she gave them that smile.

“My Doctor.”

They brushed a strand of hair from her face, fingers lingering on her cheek.  “I still love you.”

“I still love _you_.  I promised you, remember?  Every you, no matter what you looked like, so long as you looked at me the same, still said my name that way you do.  Yes, I love the Doctor who’s here with me, of course I do.  And I still love you too.  You’re all the same man – er, person? – to me.  You’re all the Doctor.”

“So, you’re saying if we switched places you wouldn’t be bothered at all?”

“Well…” she drew out the word in consideration.  “I do have him rather well-trained to bring me tea in the morning, and put the seat down.  But I’m not saying you can’t, you know, audition,” she teased.

They rolled their eyes, not bothering to hide a smile.  “If you insist.”

Cradling Rose’s face gently they brought their face to hers, pausing a moment for Rose to push back if she so chose.  When she didn’t, only puckering up, the Doctor pressed their mouth to hers.

A bomb could have gone off, and Rose would have never noticed.  She’d never kissed a woman before, but she had kissed the Doctor and it was still the same.  Different, softer lips, but the pressure and taste were the same as they’d always been, and she let out a slight moan as their tongues brushed.

A throat clearing behind them yanked them out of the moment, and Rose looked over their shoulder to see her husband leaning against the TARDIS, arms folded.

“Sorry to interrupt,” he said dryly, “but the Cloister Bell’s been ringing for a solid minute now.”  The unspoken _so you should go_ was loud and clear, and the Doctor huffed.

“Fine, be selfish,” they complained.  “Not like you get her forever, or anything.  I can’t have five minutes?”

“Sorry,” he shrugged.  “I don’t make the rules.”

The Doctor sighed, taking Rose’s hand and leading her to the ship.  “I spent the day not a week ago arguing with another previous self; I can’t put up with you as well.”

The Metacrisis Doctor raised his eyebrows at that revelation.  “You’ve been busy, then.”

They shrugged, inserting the key into the lock.  “Rose’ll tell you how I’ve been trying to keep out of trouble.”

“Ha!” she snorted.  “Is that what you call it?”

“Hey!  Trouble’s really been just the bits in between,” they insisted.  “At least lately.  Guess I’m back to the drawing board, again.  Ugh,” they grimaced at the thought.  “Scratch that.  Chalk board has _got_ to go.  Time for a renovation, I suppose.”

“Can I see?”  Rose blurted, stepping forward.

“Uh…” they grimaced again, peeking inside.  “It’s pretty torn up.  It was a nasty regeneration.  I put it off too long.  Again.”

“Again?”

“For obvious reasons it was hard to let go of stupidhair over there.  I put it off, ran some errands.  Had to redo the whole console room.  I think it’s the same this time.”

“Still, please?”  Rose asked, ignoring her husband’s spluttering at the insult to his hair.

“Fine, but not inside.  She misses you too, and I can’t promise she won’t try to kidnap you.  Wouldn’t be the first time.”

They stepped inside the door, holding it open for Rose to peek her head in.  Her Doctor, still muttering under his breath, leaned in over her head to see as well.

“I don’t like it,” he announced as he made a face.

“I don’t either,” Rose said seriously, and the Doctor’s face fell.  “I love it!” She beamed, and they lit up as well.

The Cloister Bell tolled once again, and they sighed sadly.

“That’s my cue, I think.  No point in getting stuck here – the whole point of regenerating was to be around to save that universe.”

“Goodbye, love,” Rose stepped forward, pressing another kiss to their lips.  “Don’t be afraid to accept the happiness you find, and don’t regret it no matter how it ends.”

“Yes, dear,” they sighed, burning the image of her into their mind.  “Doctor.”

“Doctor,” he replied, sticking out his hand.

“Take care of her.  _Treasure_ her.”  They shook hands.

“Course,” he replied easily.  “We take care of each other.”

“Whenever you think you hate this life, just remember – it’s been fifteen hundred years for me since we said goodbye.”

The reminder sobered him, and he wrapped his arm around Rose’s shoulders, pulling her close.  “I’ve never hated it, and I’ve never forgotten.”

The sound of the engines firing up broke the Doctor’s trance as they tried to absorb the last view of Rose.  “Have a brilliant life, yeah?  For me?”

“You too,” Rose ordered, smiling brightly.  “Do it for me.  And Bill, and Clara, and the Ponds.  And go visit your friends.  I bet Sarah’d like to see you.”

“Maybe I will,” they agreed, gaze darting back nervously towards the console, eyes widening at the way the rotor was beginning to churn.  “Goodbye, Rose.”

“Goodbye, Doctor,” she said, smiling as the doors slammed shut and the ship began to materialize.  She was still smiling until the sound of the engines faded, at which point she burst into tears and buried her face in her husband’s shoulder.

“Shh, it’s all right,” he soothed, wrapping her in a hug.

 “I love you,” she mumbled against his shoulder.

“I love you too.  With everything that I am,” he promised in return.  He was slightly surprised to realize that he didn’t feel any regret or envy for the now-gone timeship.  He had a feeling that when Rose shared what stories she’d been told, he’d be more grateful than usual for the life he lived.

The other Doctor might have all the perks of being a Time Lord, but he had Rose and in the end, which was the better fate?

The look on that Doctor’s face as they left confirmed what he already knew.

There was no better fate than spending forever with Rose Tyler.


End file.
